“It’s the end of an era. Rupert Murdoch stepped down at Fox News, which is strange. I didn’t think there was a step down from Fox News.”

“The last time I was in D.C., I left my cocaine at the White House. Luckily, the president was able to put it to good use for his State of the Union. I’m kidding. Of course, the president doesn’t call it cocaine. He calls it high-speed rail.”

“I’m not saying both candidates are old, but you know Jimmy Carter is out there thinking, ‘I could maybe win this thing.’ He’s only 99.”

“President Biden, isn’t it crazy that he’s only our second Catholic president? And what’s even crazier is that in just a few short months, we’ll have our third in RFK Jr. I’m kidding. Like his vaccine card says, he doesn’t have a shot.”

“Now that O.J. is dead, who is the new front-runner for Trump’s VP? Is it Diddy? By the way, I bet if Trump did select Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied.”

“Did you know that 90 percent of people now get their news exclusively from social media, and that must be true because I saw it in a random guy’s TikTok. He was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla, but he seemed to know his stuff.”

“It is the best time in history to be a courtroom sketch artist. My God, the most famous man on Earth is on trial, and there’s no cameras allowed. Just the artists, their pastels and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible. Every sketch of Trump looks like the Grinch had sex with the Lorax.”