Categoria: HUMOR Humour

  • a favor do caos organizado

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  • “President Biden’s best jokes at the White House correspondents’ dinner.”

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    Oops! I overlooked these:
    • “It’s the end of an era. Rupert Murdoch stepped down at Fox News, which is strange. I didn’t think there was a step down from Fox News.”
    • “The last time I was in D.C., I left my cocaine at the White House. Luckily, the president was able to put it to good use for his State of the Union. I’m kidding. Of course, the president doesn’t call it cocaine. He calls it high-speed rail.”
    • “I’m not saying both candidates are old, but you know Jimmy Carter is out there thinking, ‘I could maybe win this thing.’ He’s only 99.”
    • “President Biden, isn’t it crazy that he’s only our second Catholic president? And what’s even crazier is that in just a few short months, we’ll have our third in RFK Jr. I’m kidding. Like his vaccine card says, he doesn’t have a shot.”
    • “Now that O.J. is dead, who is the new front-runner for Trump’s VP? Is it Diddy? By the way, I bet if Trump did select Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied.”
    • “Did you know that 90 percent of people now get their news exclusively from social media, and that must be true because I saw it in a random guy’s TikTok. He was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla, but he seemed to know his stuff.”
    • “It is the best time in history to be a courtroom sketch artist. My God, the most famous man on Earth is on trial, and there’s no cameras allowed. Just the artists, their pastels and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible. Every sketch of Trump looks like the Grinch had sex with the Lorax.”
    • “I would really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists in this room. Your words speak truth to power. Your words bring light to the darkness. And most importantly, your words train the AI programs that will soon replace you.”

    From: Baker, Katharine F <

    “Colin Jost’s funniest jokes at the White House correspondents’ dinner”:
    Colin Jost mainly took jabs at President Biden and former president Donald Trump in his White House correspondents’ dinner performance.
    www.washingtonpost.com
    • “I don’t have a lot of time. I need to get back to New York because I’m juror No. 5 on a big trial. Trump’s lawyer took one look at me, and he’s like, ‘He’s got to be on our side.’”
    • “Doug [Emhoff], as you can tell from all the comments about my wife, I’m also used to being the second gentleman.”
    • “I have to admit, it’s not easy following President Biden. I mean, it’s not always easy following what he’s saying.”
    • “Can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn’t begin with a bailiff saying ‘all rise’?”
    • “My Weekend Update co-anchor Michael Che was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden, I decided to lose all my Black support. Che told me to say that, and I’m just realizing I was set up.”
    • “The Correspondents’ Association provides scholarships to promising young journalism students who may one day be sent off to cover dangerous geopolitical hot spots like Columbia University.”
    • “The Washington Post is here. … They were the ones taking your coats at the door. Please be sure to tip.”

    From: Baker, Katharine F <kfb2@pitt.edu>
    Sent: Sunday, April 28, 2024 4:06 AM
    To: Kathy Jo <kwade3@bak.rr.com>; Ram Das Singh Khalsa <ramdas.singh@khalsa.com>; Ed Huot <edhuot@yahoo.com>; Kathy Vergona <kav4943@gmail.com>; Anthony Barcellos <barcellos@sbcglobal.net>; John Freitas <jnf1440@gmail.com>; Tellinghuisen, Joel <joel.tellinghuisen@Vanderbilt.Edu>; helen kerner <hkerner@sbcglobal.net>; A One <nopeasforever@yahoo.com>; BETTY BISPO <bbispo@sbcglobal.net>
    Cc: Fernando Alvarino <feralvarino@gmail.com>; urbano bettencourt <urbano_bettencourt@yahoo.com>; victor.dores@sapo.pt <victor.dores@sapo.pt>; Chrys Chrystello d gmail <drchryschrystello@gmail.com>; Corey <coreyamaro@aol.com>; Carmen M Ramos Villar <c.ramosvillar@sheffield.ac.uk>
    Subject: Re: “President Biden’s best jokes at the White House correspondents’ dinner.”

    • “I don’t have a lot of time. I need to get back to New York because I’m juror No. 5 on a big trial. Trump’s lawyer took one look at me, and he’s like, ‘He’s got to be on our side.’”
    • “Doug [Emhoff], as you can tell from all the comments about my wife, I’m also used to being the second gentleman.”
    • “I have to admit, it’s not easy following President Biden. I mean, it’s not always easy following what he’s saying.”
    • “Can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn’t begin with a bailiff saying ‘all rise’?”
    • “My Weekend Update co-anchor Michael Che was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden, I decided to lose all my Black support. Che told me to say that, and I’m just realizing I was set up.”
    • “The Correspondents’ Association provides scholarships to promising young journalism students who may one day be sent off to cover dangerous geopolitical hot spots like Columbia University.”
    • “The Washington Post is here. … They were the ones taking your coats at the door. Please be sure to tip.”

    From: Baker, Katharine F
    Sent: Saturday, April 27, 2024 11:37 PM
    To: Kathy Jo <kwade3@bak.rr.com>; Ram Das Singh Khalsa <ramdas.singh@khalsa.com>; Ed Huot <edhuot@yahoo.com>; Kathy Vergona <kav4943@gmail.com>; Anthony Barcellos <barcellos@sbcglobal.net>; John Freitas <jnf1440@gmail.com>; Tellinghuisen, Joel <joel.tellinghuisen@Vanderbilt.Edu>; helen kerner <hkerner@sbcglobal.net>; A One <nopeasforever@yahoo.com>; BETTY BISPO <bbispo@sbcglobal.net>
    Cc: Fernando Alvarino <feralvarino@gmail.com>; urbano bettencourt <urbano_bettencourt@yahoo.com>; victor.dores@sapo.pt <victor.dores@sapo.pt>; Chrys Chrystello d gmail <drchryschrystello@gmail.com>; Corey <coreyamaro@aol.com>; Carmen M Ramos Villar <c.ramosvillar@sheffield.ac.uk>
    Subject: “President Biden’s best jokes at the White House correspondents’ dinner.”

    “President Biden’s best jokes at the White House correspondents’ dinner”:
    • “The 2024 election is in full swing. And yes, age is an issue. I’m a grown man running against a six year old.”
    • “Did you hear what Donald just said about a major civil war battle? Quote, ‘Gettysburg. Wow.’ Trump’s speech was so embarrassing, the statue of Robert E. Lee surrendered again.”
    • “Age is the only thing we have in common. My vice president actually endorses me.
    • “Trump is so desperate he started reading those Bibles he’s selling. And he got to the first commandment: You shall have no other god before me. That’s when he put it down and said this book is not for me.”
    • The New York Times issued a statement blasting me for, quote, ‘actively and effectively avoiding independent journalists.’ Hey, if that’s what it takes to get the New York Times to say I’m active and effective, I’m all for it.
    • “I know you’re looking around, saying this guy’s been doing this for 50 years. He’s had his moment. Give someone else a chance. To that I say, Lorne, ignore the critics.”
    • “Scarlett Johansson, you did an incredible job in the State of the Union rebuttal, you should do “Weekend Update.” Clearly you’re the funny one.”
  • higiene medieval, saved by the bell

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    Na Idade Média, não havia escovas de dente, perfumes, desodorantes e muito menos papel higiênico. Excremento humano era jogado das janelas do palácio.
    Num dia de festa, a cozinha do palácio podia preparar um banquete para 1500 pessoas, sem a mínima higiene.
    Nos filmes de hoje, vemos pessoas daquela época se sacudindo ou se abanando.
    A explicação não está no calor, mas no mau cheiro que exalavam sob as saias (feitas de propósito para conter o cheiro das partes íntimas, já que não havia higiene). Também não era costume tomar banho devido ao frio e à quase inexistência de água corrente.
    Só os nobres tinham lacaios para abaná-los, dissipar o mau cheiro que o corpo e a boca exalavam, além de afugentar os insetos.
    Quem esteve em Versalhes admirou os imensos e belos jardins que, naquela época, não eram apenas contemplados, mas serviam de banheiro nas famosas baladas promovidas pela monarquia, por não haver banheiros.
    Na Idade Média, a maioria dos casamentos acontecia em junho (para eles, o início do verão). O motivo é simples: o primeiro banho do ano era tomado em maio; então, em junho, o cheiro das pessoas ainda era tolerável. Porém, como alguns cheiros já começavam a incomodar, as noivas carregavam buquês de flores perto do corpo para disfarçar o fedor. Daí a explicação da origem do buquê de noiva.
    Os banhos eram feitos em uma única banheira enorme cheia de água quente. O chefe da família tinha o privilégio do primeiro banho em água limpa. Então, sem trocar a água, os demais chegaram à casa, por ordem de idade, mulheres, também por idade e, por fim, filhos. Os bebês eram os últimos a se banhar.
    As vigas de madeira, que sustentavam os telhados das casa, eram o melhor lugar para os animais, cachorros, gatos, ratos e besouros, se aquecerem. Quando chovia, as goteiras obrigavam os animais a pularem no chão.
    Quem tinha dinheiro tinha chapas de lata. Certos tipos de alimentos oxidam o material, fazendo com que muitas pessoas morram de envenenamento. Os hábitos de higiene da época eram terríveis. Os tomates, por serem ácidos, foram considerados venenosos por muito tempo, as xícaras de lata eram usadas para beber cerveja ou uísque; essa combinação às vezes deixava o indivíduo “no chão” (numa espécie de narcolepsia induzida pela mistura de bebida alcoólica com óxido de estanho).
    Alguém andando na rua pensaria que ele estava morto, então eles recolhiam o corpo e se preparavam para o funeral. Em seguida, o corpo era colocado na mesa da cozinha por alguns dias e a família observava, comia, bebia e esperava para ver se o morto acordava ou não.
    A Inglaterra é um país pequeno, onde nem sempre havia um lugar para enterrar todos os mortos. Os caixões foram então abertos, os ossos removidos, colocados em ossários e a tumba foi usada para outro cadáver. Às vezes, ao abrir os caixões, percebia-se que havia arranhões nas tampas internas, indicando que o morto havia, de fato, sido enterrado vivo.
    Assim, ao fechar o caixão, surgiu a ideia de amarrar uma alça do pulso do falecido, passando-a por um orifício feito no caixão e amarrando-a a uma campainha. Após o enterro, alguém foi deixado de plantão ao lado do túmulo por alguns dias. Se o indivíduo acordasse, o movimento de seu braço faria soar a campainha. E seria “salvo pelo gongo”, que é uma expressão popular que usamos até hoje.
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  • GOD CREATED WAR

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    May be an image of 1 person, map and text that says "God created war so that Americans would learn geography. MarkTwain Mark Twain"

  • afinal nós tradutores ainda temos futuro e presente

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    😅
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    Cristina Gonçalves – Tradução
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    Muito se especula acerca do desaparecimento da profissão de Tradutor por conta da Inteligência Artificial. Mas depois disto, estou a salvo 😅
    Não confie na tradu…

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  • A PERSEGUIÇAO DO CASUAR/CASUARINA

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    Being chased by a Cassowary in Australia

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    Being chased by a Cassowary in Australia
    byu/MrBonelessPizza24 inSweatyPalms

  • let’s go out out and buy envelopes

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    Kurt Vonnegut tells his wife he’s going out to buy an envelope:
    “Oh, she says, well, you’re not a poor man. You know, why don’t you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I’m going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope.
    I meet a lot of people. And see some great looking babies. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And I’ll ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don’t know. The moral of the story is – we’re here on Earth to fart around.
    And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And what the computer people don’t realize, or they don’t care, is we’re dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And it’s like we’re not supposed to dance at all anymore.”
    Let’s all get up and move around a bit right now… or at least dance.
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  • stairway to heaven

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  • uma alma caridosaa que me empreste uns trocos

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    O empreendimento turístico Quinta do Lago, no Algarve, tem um novo expoente imobiliário aos olhos do mundo. Aqui se encontra uma mansão de luxo de 24,5 milhões de euros que está a ser vendida por uma imobiliária norte-americana.
    A St. James+Carter tem em carteira a Villa Bailarina, um imóvel de luxo com seis quartos, oito casas de banho com chuveiro e mesa para 20 pessoas. A construção é de 2019.
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    Jorge Máximo Heitor

    Trata-se de uma casa que segue o estilo do arquitecto norte-americano John Edward Lautner (1911 – 1994).
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