I am writing the first bit of today’s entry in Australian, the other English. You bludgers better pay attention.

The other morning I was flat out like a lizard drinking, and seeing the hickory dickory dock, I said strewth to my sheilah and jumped out of the cot like a startled kangaroo. It was darker than a gorilla’s armpit because of the rain and it was time I shot through like a Bondi tram. Fair dinkum.

I needed a breakfast of champions and here’s the drum: I got out my pot of Vegemite and spread it thick and black all over the toast. Flamin’ beautiful it was. Then I greased my ute with it. My sheilah was sledging me and looking at me nasty, maybe because I’d put the hard word on her the previous night, so I gave her the raspberry and sarse and went off to see my chinas who are good blokes even if they are sepos.

“Don’t wait up for me, darling, I am going to the rubbidty tonight to watch the footy,” I said with a trill like a bell bird.

“Don’t come the raw prawn with me,” she bellowed with a voice like a prize cow at the Ekka.